I thought about starting a blog back in January when I was feeling off one day because I had started reading a blog from someone I used to know. I followed blogs/posts on social media like Instagram and vlogs on YouTube but figured I didn’t know where to even begin. Now, here I sit at my dining table with my laptop and my 2 week old daughter sleeping beside my laptop on her blankets, thinking “sure why not”.
My journey so far, like many others, has had its ups and downs. Back in 2013 I finally got a diagnosis for the chronic pelvic pain I had been experiencing since 2010, endometriosis… Wow, endometriosis, a disease I had never even heard of yet 1 in 10 women suffer this chronic condition. How? Why? No cure? How do I manage the pain? Slim to none chance of ever bearing my own children? But I’ve dreamt of having my own children all my life. It was a tough year, I suddenly felt that I had been hard done by especially after I felt that I was finally getting my life on track after my marriage breakdown 2 years prior. Yes, I know, young and already separated looking at divorce at the ripe young age of 22 another long story.
2013 was the year that I felt that I needed to find someone who was willing to accept me for who I was, when I was diagnosed I was in an early relationship with a man I loved dearly yet was always finding it difficult to communicate with him my feelings. I realise now that he was emotionally unavailable and I was blind to it. We split on good terms due to the fact that I wanted to work on planning for a family and he then admitted to me that he never wants children. Deal breaker. We didn’t want the same things in the long term. Devastating so I turned to a friend for comfort, he understood how I felt and was empathetic, Grant was an amazing friend. I knew then that to plan ahead I was going to be planning to be a single mother one day. That was ok with me.
2014 was the year everything changed, I met someone who said all the right things and I was vulnerable. Worst month I had experienced since my split with my ex husband back in 2011. This man I met, was mentally unstable, was diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder and prescribed anti-psycotic medication. A very scary time for me, I was scared for my safety because I would get calls every hour with him believing that I lied about my whereabouts and who I was with. I had my parents help me end that relationship quick smart. At this point I was done with trying to find Mr.Right and the man who would provide me with the life I had always dreamed of. It was time I focused on my financial position and my mental health.
September of 2014, I decided I was going to cut out all the negativity in my life and surround myself with people who were positive and of a sound mind. My first thought was Grant, it had been a while since I spoke and saw him, I called him to chat and he was telling me about his hobby of tenpin bowling and how well he was doing. I went into AMF bowling and watched him bowl one night and caught up with him and some old friends. It was amazing, for the first time in a long time I just enjoyed the company and positivity that came with it. Around the same time my work was in the midst of arranging an office move from the Hawkesbury to Wetherill Park so I had briefly mentioned that I was contemplating a move closer to the new office. Our mutual friend Tim said that he and his roommate were having to move house soon and offered for me to join them in sharing a rental. I took him up on this offer.
September was coming to a close when I realised that I had grown feelings towards Grant and I was terrified. We were great friends, am I just vulnerable? Is it because our friendship was so great that I just assumed I had feelings but it’s just a great friendship? Nope! I definitely looked at Grant as more than just a friend, I could see myself getting deeper feelings for him. Silly me, thinking he had no idea, sent him a text one day saying I had this “friend” at work who started getting feelings for their close friend. After basically explaining our friendship to him trying to cover it up with some false names of false people, Grant basically said to give the advice of “just tell your friend to be honest and straight up. Don’t beat around the bush etc”. This made me realise that I needed to talk to him, be honest with him we both deserve that much.
So later that day I organised to come over to his place with a case of beer to hang out (like we had done pretty much every week for the last month) and after consuming some liquid courage I spilled the beans and told him I was attracted to him. He admitted to feeling the same. What!?! Surely I was crazy, I did not think he could ever feel the same. After a long talk about how we werent entirely sure how this would affect our friendship if we acted on things, we decided that we would just see if the attraction blows over. Maybe it was just temprorary feelings. Nope!! Wrong again! the following Tuesday I was home and we were texting and then suddenly it turned R rated over text and we realised that we had past the point of no return. We started a romantic relationship to which we denied to everyone regardless of the fact everyone we knew had already guessed what our relationship was.
December 2014 was an incredible month, Grant and I were happy with our relationship however I realised I loved this man. I wanted us to be in an official relationship. Anytime someone made a joke about when we will make it “official” I would joke back saying “don’t scare him away”. One evening just before Christmas Grant, myself and his neighbour had many drinks. Grants neighbour is a woman who definitely does not beat around the bush, basically telling Grant that he needs to make the move to title our relationship. Things got a little carried away and needless to say we got extremely close that night, a once off experience involving all 3 of us that I never thought I would ever be involved in, a threesome. Afterwards she went home feeling satisfied and this gave us (Grant and myself) a chance to talk about what just happened. He said that he wants to be with me!! Finally!! I can rest easy knowing that we were on the same page. 20.12.14 the day my life truly began!