Have you ever been so anxious that it changes the way you think or interpret reality? I believe that happens to me. It warps my entire reality. I like to think I manage my anxieties well and then out of nowhere, they appear and with such intensity too.
The worst part is that it affects everyone I hold close to my heart and my daughter gets upset because she can sense when I’m not happy or that I’m having a less than pleasurable day. I’m exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted. Or is that just the anxiety? Self-doubt. Do I trust what I think or feel? Did I actually do anything productive today? The voice inside my head says no.. Big deal Kass you did laundry, organised pink slips for the vehicles, evaluated the budget yet again to make sure everything is being paid for, double and triple check your stock of nappies, wipes, formula etc for when you return to work… so what. It needs to be done. If I complain about doing these things but do them anyway I’m a martyr. But I don’t want to be a martyr… sigh.
I’m forever battling with myself. I know what’s best for me because obviously I’ve come this far in life independently, obviously with guidance from my folks, however they taught me to be independent. Oh no Kass, don’t you see? That was ok before but not now, it’s different now. You aren’t independant anymore.
My mind can do amazing things and then sometimes it can be rubbish. I can be such a happy bubbly person and then my anxiety just gets the better of me which brings me down and then before I know it I just want to sleep. I want to sleep. All day and all night no interruptions. Then I realise I have a baby who needs me, so I do my best to suck it up and continue hoping that I’ve done the best I can to make sure things keep ticking along the way they should be.
I need to start forcing myself to do things that make me feel better when I’m like this. Like doing my make-up for example, that always makes me feel better because I do that for me and nobody else ❤